I don't want to be a burden

I’ll be writing this in the same manner as the mindreading, 24/7 followed or watched etc. thread.
I really do believe i need help from some of you. Only of you wish. Thanks
I’m 26, a weirdo implantee, i work in IT, white, blue eyes, not hideous i hope. from and in western Europe.
This is a throwaway account. If i KillMyShelf i don’t want to be remembered as one of you guys and gals. I’m just a passer by.
The only reason I am still alive is my mother who loved me from birth. But,BUT, nobody else thinks I’m good enough.
I just want a single soul to love me. I’ll break every bone in my body to make this happen. I just want to make somebody to make proud of me. I just want somebody to care about me besides the one who gave birth to me.
I tried to find myself a girl to whom i will have a connection with, I really tried in every circle i could find. But I always get back the fact that I’m too ugly, poor,short or socially inept to have a successful interaction with somebody. Is there any reason I shouldn’t unalive myself,if I’m not good for anybody I’m not good for the society. Am I just a waste of breath?
Now second taught, If we would train an AI to recognize the schizo writhing pattern what would it be the score that it would give the upper text?
I’m sorry if I bother too much the forum, no hard feelings if somebody just deletes this thread.


sorry I’m a bit rambly… @The13Beast does a great job below…


Your post proposes two questions and I would like to address both. First, human self-awareness has given us many advantages over most (if not all) other animals. We can understand our position in society and the world. The vicious trick that this plays on us, though, is that is makes us feel like we need to justify that existence. We don’t. We don’t have to earn a spot in the world, we don’t have to repay our existence. This isn’t even something that a dog or squirrel could even conceive of, they just go about their little lives doing what they do. This also means that we don’t need external approval. We just need to approve of ourselves. As long as we are true to ourselves we are succeeding. The irony here is that, almost always, when we stop trying to placate other people and let ourselves be who we are we will find other people who approve. I think this is because we have to first understand who we are before we can find other people who mesh with that identity. We can’t just pick someone mostly arbitrarily and expect it to be a match and we do ourselves a great disservice trying to mold ourselves into the shape that would match with that person because we lose who we really are in the process.

So I guess my advice would be this: Your mom loves you. That’s a start. Now learn to love and accept yourself as you truly are and you will surely find others along the way. The path is difficult but you need to remember a couple of things. 1. Be patient with yourself. You are learning and growing and will make mistakes. That’s completely normal and all part of the learning process. 2. Be true to yourself. Don’t try to change who you are to match others because they are going to change too. We are all humans on the lifelong path of self-discovery and what you are viewing now is just a snapshot of yourself and others. Even if you were able to conform to precisely who they are now there’s the chance that they will have changed by the time you do.

I don’t know what the available mental health services are like in your country (I’m in the US so they’re pretty abysmal) but you should absolutely look into what’s offered. I started with talking to my GP and they were able to direct me to other services that were a lot of help when I was feeling at my lowest. Remember that what you’re going through now is temporary and is the result of one or more of a variety of completely treatable problems. Don’t look for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The second part of your post talks about an AI to look for posts by people in distress of some kind. I think more than analyzing the pattern of writing you could do a sentiment analysis and look for the overall feeling of a post. The AI could raise a flag but I think, ultimately, it should go to a person to decide what to do with that information.


Well, I don’t even know you, but I read your story and wanted to give you a hug.:hugs:
Does that count?

What country are you in.
Maybe somebody here could help you with some resources?


First thanks, I’ll try to follow your advice
Second, just to distract my mind, about the AI, I do believe we have enough text we could flag manually so that an automated sistem could send some kind of help to those in distress. The part that i haven’t figured out is how the help should look like.
I’m used to be a paramedic for 2 years, that kind of help i know how to give. But not mental.
Now to get to the darkness in head, thanks again, what in the actual fck is wrong with my brain chemestry that i belive I’m a failure. Everytime i dont do something perfect i might aswell not do it at all. There were far better people when i had my engineering masters degrees, far better on the ambulances, I work as an imposter programmer, nobody suspects a thing, i’m ahead of the deadlines and with fewer bugs. I dont deserve what i have and i dont have what i want.
Sorry for the mental breakdown.
And thanks for the support, if there is any way i can repay you.


So then you know first hand that sometimes people need help. You helped them with physical problems they couldn’t handle on their own. There are also mental problems that we can’t handle on our own and we need to reach out for help there too. It’s no different.

Could be actual brain chemistry, could be trauma, could be PTSD from your time as a medic. Could be any number of things, that’s why reaching out to a professional is so important.

This goes back to not needing to justify or repay our existence. You have found a community and we help each other. That’s the way communities work. :wink:

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For what it’s worth…

Seriously give antidepressants a shot… there are some pretty decent stuff out now

My wife recently started going downhill pretty bad with it

I have had a lot of parental baggage with medication so I knee jerk against it,

But it’s works great for her

It’s not happy pills, it doesn’t make everything better

I like the analogy of depression that,
Your trying to treat water to swim to a shore

And depression is a lead weight tied to your feet that unfairly drags you down

Proper medication, takes the weights off, but you’ll still need to swim…

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Funny tought, i had to pay my property tax, then i thought, if i die then thats not my problem to solve anymore.
But on a serious note, I’m glad i wake in the morning, I’m glad for everything i can do and have.
(Now for the schizo part)

I don’t hear voices, I don’t see things that are not there. As far as I can tell there is nobody who wants to harm me except myself. The moment i feel like i’m not good enough everything in my brain breaks apart.
Thank you for the support.

Well said by Amal and The13Beast. Ultimately, life is what you perceive it to be. You must learn to be happy with what you have and what you are. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have goals and hopes and dreams. You can be happy with life without being complacent. Enjoy what you have and always keep working towards your dreams. Enjoy the little victories as well, break down your large goals into smaller milestones and take pride in reaching them.

That doesn’t sound like an imposter to me. It sounds like you are better than you think, you just don’t believe it yourself. The funny thing about imposter syndrome is that all the while you are thinking that you aren’t good enough, you are improving. You just need to gain the self confidence you need to realize that you are good and that nobody is or will ever be perfect. We are always improving and always failing, and succeeding as well. Bring your A-game and don’t ever be afraid to ask for help as well. We are strongest when we work together.

As others have said, there are resources out there that are there to help you. You should take advantage of them, because you deserve a shot. That said, if you ever need a bunch of down-to-earth people to just hang out and talk to, we’d be more than happy to have you as a part of our community.

By the way, you mentioned you were an implantee. Tell us more! What do you have?

Much love,

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So worst case scenario with antidepressant, the “depression episode” could be less intense, best case they could stabilize my moods i guess.

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This is where therapy comes in. Honestly. Having a 3rd party to talk to and who has tools to work your way through these feelings is a lifesaver. Just so you know… at your age this is actually quite a normal time to be going through this kind of thing too, so don’t feel like you’re on an island with this… and it’s not schizophrenia of any kind… that is a truly terrible situation because they have been robbed of the ability to discern reality, which makes working through things … anything… nearly impossible.


Cough,cough, self implantee with 2 NExT and one of those MF beasts of xLED (damm that neddle didn’t want to enter)
And waiting for the apex that will have the blessing from somebody from EMV

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Both of my impants are self-installed. Nothing wrong with that by me. Especially since you said you have EMT experience. That’s more than I can say. :laughing:

And yes, having started with the 3mm xM1, I can confirm that those suckers are huge. The smaller needle of the xSIID looked puny in comparison.

I’m not one to sugar coat things
Antidepressants help try to regulate brain chemistry… sometimes things need fine tuning or trying a different thing because it’s not working like you want it to

BUT you’re right, that’s the idea… it helps lesson the self defeat perception bad

Help you dig yourself out of the hole

As for love? There’s no words to make it not suck… most of us have been there at one point or another…
I was ready to swear off romance entirely… went to a party to get blitzed and instead I met my wife

:man_shrugging:t2:, the ironic and comedic way love works is the only thing that keeps me even remotely open to the concept of a higher power

Just do you, knuckle down… do you what you love and cut out things that bring you down… and make life what you want it to be

*cliche hall mark card sentiment, but it’s pretty accurate

Fwiw, the feeling useless when anything goes wrong… I do the same… I originally thought that was just my baggage… but I’m learning of lots of connected quirks and issues related to my ADHD and that I wasn’t aware of or trying to keep in check

Rejection sensitive disorder? I think it’s called… I’ve read it’s both real, and also not officially a thing…

But I definitely feel that way a lot… at a party and I get left out of a picture? And my brain spins to doomsday level scenarios… everyone hates me… I’m here as an inside joke to everyone etc

When they thought I was asleep or something stupid


Milage may vary.

I started Ketamine treatments at home. Every 3 days I take some sublingual. I lay there and listen to music and that’s it.

I’m a way happier and productive person now.

Also, DM me if you need a phone number to talk.


I just finished a really interesting documentary on Netflix about the use of psychedelics in therapy! Each episode talked about a different drug (LSD, psilocybin, MDMA, and mescaline) including how it was discovered, it’s history, and it’s potential use in mental health.

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Hamilton’s Pharmacopeia?

I’ve dabbled in psilocybin as well.

Both have been beneficial

I’m interested in clinical k treatments too… just to see if it’ll help de-stress… but clinicians around here aren’t all that excited to prescribe it


I’m reading this all tonight and I don’t think I can say anything better than what had been said. However @iamnotgoodpleasehelp , you mentioned about if you can’t do something perfect you feel you might as well not do it all. I can’t help but wonder if that’s something you feel even beyond having a relationship. Self confidence can get destroyed by toxic people with toxic attitudes, especially when they won’t accept you for who you are and what you’re capable of. With some people in this world you could do your best ever and if you don’t “fit in” with them it will still never be good enough for them. I can also see that being carried over to a relationship and rejection being a trigger that intensifies things to a whole new level. It seems like you’re having success with programming and had some success with work in general. I could be totally wrong in what I’m reading and thinking right now so please forgive me if I am. Professional help is the best and I’m far from being that, and I think better things have already been said by others here. You found us, a community that will accept others for who they are and what they are. Hope it all helps, you can DM me too if you feel the need.